The First Date

By on June 5, 2014

Okay. So I’m pretty sure you’re all capable of dressing yourselves properly without my advice. So assuming you’re dressed and smelling nice lets talk about things we should be doing and things we shouldn’t be doing. Certain things are pretty obvious, like talking about ex-boyfriends, I seem to want to do that a lot and yea it’s annoying so stop that girls and boys. Maybe that’s just me? Ugh awkward.

Moving on.

Now let’s talk tactics. First things first, know what the fuck you want out of this first date. Are you just looking for something fun to do? Killing time? Looking for sex? Or searching for your soulmate? Once you know what you’re looking for you can act accordingly. For instance if you are looking for sex maybe a good first mood would be ordering lots of tequila shots to loosen up the situation? I dunno. Or better yet why not just come out and ask “hey you wanna have sex in the bathroom?”

After you say that, one of two things will happen. They will either say yes or assume you’re joking and then you score points because you are funny. And everybody likes funny. Now if you’re just killing time or looking for something fun to do I suggest you stop dating immediately because it’s not fun and I can suggest like a billion other awesome things you could be doing with your time (for suggestions contact me via twitter).

If you are searching for your soulmate, you just gotta be honest babe. And I know that’s not how you play the game, act cold and disinterested and you’ll drive them wild (this actually does work). But if you don’t want to waste your precious time and you don’t want to be trapped in a maze of confusing texts messages, you should be straight up and say “uhhh I’m looking for a boyfriend, are you looking for a girlfriend?” Then they will answer and you will either become a cute new couple or not be a couple and you will go find somebody else.

Maybe that was really bad advice. Maybe you will scare away a lot of first dates, but the way I see it is, you just saved yourself a whole lot of heartbreak. If you can’t handle the truth you are not okay in my books. It’s a first date, what do you got to lose right? I mean you don’t have a mortgage and children together. If shits going to hit the fan why not let it happen now?

Talk about the weird belly button fetish and always showing up late for work and the fact you can’t hold down a job. That’s interesting. The fact is I could sit here till I’m blue in the face spewing out first date advice, but if there’s no chemistry there’s nothing and sadly that’s pretty uncontrollable. So maybe the advice isn’t about the first date but rather where you find/get the first date in the first place.

If you like guys who are into yoga and want to date them, why not try dolling yourself up and hanging outside of yoga studios? Men, if you want to date a lawyer, why not add a little more gel to that hair and start hanging outside of law schools? It’s all in the set-up and for gods sake do not let anybody set you up. No matter how well they may know you, odds are against you. You have no reason to trust me but trust me. Good luck out there guys and girls.

Erin Wotherspoon

About Erin Wotherspoon

Erin, of average height and weight has no special skills to boast of. She graduated from Theatre School at George Brown, where she studied classical acting for 3 years. Erin began to feel like a pawn in a chess game she never consented to and switched her energies towards creative writing. Having had some mild success as a blogger, it is now her main goal in life to write novels. She currently contributes to a couple of food & drink related magazine around the city. @erinspoons

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